Laughing gas eases pain
By
Jeffrey Fazio
DriveTime Columnist
Humor
can often be found when things are grossly exaggerated, like an
extremely large nose on a particularly small face or, for instance,
the recent gas prices. Yes, there is humor to be found in the plethora
of pumped-up pump prices. Of course, the current gas costs initiate
the kind of laughter that ends in sobs, but let’s look at the
situation from some other perspectives in hopes of attaining a few
smiles at the expense of our wallets.
Paying
a lot for petrol seems to have become a source for bragging rights. We
run around comparing who paid more to see who wins the sympathy fuel
award. It’s almost been a contest to see who could get charged the
most for gasoline.
“Can
you believe prices in my neighborhood went up 40 cents since last
night!”
“Yeah?
Prices down the street went up another 60 percent since you said
that.”
We
gasp in awe at the sheer magnitude of the soaring prices as they
transform into another obstacle that, seemingly, only Superman could
traverse. He’s faster than inflating gas prices and able to leap
gouged gas pumps in a single bound.
So
are gas prices hovering around $3 a gallon really that high? Let’s
compare it to other things we buy. Tropicana orange juice can be
bought at a local grocery chain for just under $6 a gallon. Down the
hall in the vending machine, Icy Tea bottles would cost $7.60 a
gallon. People seem to get excited by the thought of 99-cent drafts at
their local pub, which comes out to about $7.92 a gallon (assuming you
do not spill any). I don’t even dare ask what a gallon of soda at a
movie theater would cost. So what’s the fuss?
Gas
is actually so cheap I think I might start drinking it to save a few
bucks. I’ve been buying a can of soda over lunch every day for 60
cents ($6.40/gallon), so I could easily cut my costs in half by
tossing back a cool can of 87 unleaded. Who knows, I might even see
some health benefits from cutting down on all that sugar and caffeine.
For
some more gas humor (no bathroom puns please), just stop by Waits
River General Store in central Vermont and talk to Bill MacDonald, the
owner. Poor old MacDonald’s (had a farm?) pumps are 25 years old and
could not be adjusted above $2.99. Misery apparently loves company
because about 200 other rural Vermont gas stations faced the same
dilemma and had to stop selling fuel. What does it mean when the
prices inflate so high that even the pumps moan about it?
Let’s
investigate some things we, as automobile owner/operators, can do to
reduce our fuel costs:
1.
Reduce the weight of your vehicle. Take out anything that has
weight that is not needed. Why pay the gas bill to tote around a lot
of junk you’re not going to use? Get rid of all the useless stuff
you carry in your car, like the spare tire, the back seat and your
spouse. On that note, put yourself on a diet, that way you can save
money on gas and food.
2.
Lower your car for less aerodynamic drag. All of those people
cruising around Reading in their lowered import cars are not really
street racer wannabes. They are actually ecological conservatives
trying to reduce the amount of turbulence under and around their cars
to save fuel. You can follow their lead buy purchasing a proper set of
lowering springs for your car.
3.
Check tire pressures. It’s amazing how much driving around
on under-inflated tires can affect your fuel mileage. Believe it or
not, tires are actually suppose to be round. As the temperatures get
cooler going into the fall, it will be necessary to add pressure to
your tires.
4.
Purchase skinnier tires. Tires with a narrower width offer
less wind resistance which can improve your fuel economy. Granted, a
thinner tire will also offer less dry traction, but who cares about
gripping the road as long as you are saving fuel?
5.
Purchase a different vehicle. Trade in the Hummer for a
Civic. Trade in the Civic for a Prius. Trade in the Prius in for a
Scooter. If all else fails, trade in the Scooter for a BARTA bus pass.
6.
Watch NASCAR and learn how to draft. With the sheer number of
people in Berks County that ride my rear bumper, I suspect that most
of you are already aware of the enormous fuel savings that can be
found by sneaking under the air stream of the car in front of you. You
will know that you have this technique down when you can no longer
read the license plate of the car impeding your advance.
7.
Drive slower. If everyone could just slow down to 75 mph on
the by-pass, not only would they save a lot of coin at the pumps, but
the stranded drivers on the Penn Street bridge might finally be able
to merge.
I’m
not sure about you, but I am anxiously awaiting my first home
heating-oil bill of 2005. I think I have a good shot at paying more
than any of my friends and I sure could use the sympathy that I’d
win.
|